I’m not sure what is going on with me lately. I should be super happy. I have moved into a beautiful house, I’m planning to marry a really wonderful man, I’m almost finished with school, my son is doing very well. Yet, I just feel this emptiness. Like I am going through the motions, but, still disconnected from everything. It’s not the first time I have felt this way….and it makes me wonder…..was my first marriage as bad as I think it was? Or was it just me being dissatisfied? I’m tired of trying to convince myself and everyone else that everything is so wonderful….even though it should be, I have everything a girl could want….. so why isn’t it? I just don’t seem to be able to quite achieve that contentment that I seek so desperately. I have had moments of it….but, I want a lifetime of it. I don’t expect perfect, I don’t expect every day to be a happy one, but, is it unreasonable to expect a little peace and lasting joy. I know that nothing external will ever lead to it, not a house, not money, and not another person…. I know it has to come from within. I just wish I could find it…. and hold onto it for more than a moment.
I don’t think it’s possible for someone who has never had children to quite understand what it is like to be a parent. Especially, a mother. It is the purest form of love. A blind love. A selfless love. A completely unconditional love.
I would do anything for my children, and I have. I would sacrifice my own health, safety, and happiness, just to know that they are healthy, safe, and happy….I would die for them…. even kill for them, if I had to. My love for them has caused me more fear, worry, and anxiety…. anger, hurt, and tears…. pride, laughter, and incomparable joy! More than any other relationship. I wouldn’t change a thing….. I would do it all over again…. and hopefully, one day, they will have children of their own…. and then they will fully understand just how much I have loved them.
Normally I handle stress pretty well…. I’m not usually a big complainer and typically let things roll off my back…I really am an easy going kind of girl……but, I do have my limits! It seems that nothing is going according to plan so far this week. I am very close to an emotional meltdown.
First, I got a schedule change at school that I am not happy about. I was originally told a few weeks ago that I was going to have a Monday, Wednesday and every other Friday schedule in the upcoming module and therefore had my son schedule his classes around mine, since we are currently sharing a car…. Yesterday, I was told that I would be on a Tuesday, Thursday, every other Friday schedule so I went to the counselor and explained why I really needed the other schedule. Not only was I disappointed and upset, but, to top it all off, I was spoken to in a very condescending way. He just looked at me, shrugged, and basically told me that I am SOL (not his exact words, but, they might as well have been!) Yeah, I don’t handle being spoken to like that very well….I literally had to bite my tongue and I could feel my face turning red! As politely as I could, I asked him if he could please tell me why? His explanation was lame and very matter of fact, with absolutely no concern for me at all. He said that they can’t change my schedule because it would put me in classes that I have already had…. or something like that… Honestly, I’m not even sure exactly what he said because I was still fuming at his whole demeanor toward me. But, it can’t be changed, that, I got.
Anyway, now I have to scramble to find out if my son’s schedule can be changed. If not, then I need to figure out a carpool solution for one of us. It’s really not that big of a deal in and of itself, but, add that to the fact that I am running out of time to get things done before my son’s classes begin on June 4th (Monday!)…and the fact that we are supposed to move on Friday!
Which brings me to my next complaint….
Boxes are packed, movers are scheduled, utilities are scheduled to be turned on at the new place and cut off here…new furniture delivery is scheduled, etc…all for Friday. Moving is stressful enough as it is….but, now, we are being told that the people currently leasing the house, may not be out of there before Friday and no one can seem to get in touch with them! Seriously??! Grrrrrr! So, we are just supposed to wait around until they decide to get their stuff out of there? Not knowing if it will be Today, Tomorrow, Friday or later? Not knowing if we need to reschedule the movers or for when.. Tell our current landlord that we may or may not be leaving just yet? Tell my school and my fiance’s job that we may need another day off..? Meanwhile, living out of boxes and on take out food! Come on people! You signed an agreement to be out BEFORE June 1st…and you signed it over a month ago! It shouldn’t be this difficult!
It takes a LOT for my fiery redheaded temper to flare up and come out….but, if things continue like this….I will have no choice but to unleash that part of me!
Black Widow style!
I’m getting really tired of playing nice.
My biggest fear, as with any mother, is something horrible happening to one of my children. The thought is unbearable. I had a dream last night that my son was walking along the edge of a building, lost his balance and fell. I saw him land far below on the concrete. I screamed. I woke up sobbing. It was horrible and I can’t shake the image. I wanted to go immediately into his room and just hold him close.
I know this dream probably came about because I am concerned about him. He is walking on the slippery edge of addiction….Almost taunting and tempting it. Playing around with alcohol, even though he knows he shouldn’t. He knows he has a risk of becoming an alcoholic, he has grown up with it. His father is an addict, it’s the reason we are no longer together…in fact, addiction is rampant in his father’s side of the family. I believe my oldest son has escaped this legacy, as he has seen what addiction does and is not at all interested in drinking…my youngest son, however, has gone the total opposite direction. He enjoys alcohol way too much. He tells me all the time that he doesn’t want to be like his dad, and I have told him that it’s always a choice to take that drink, that I can’t always be there to stop him or monitor him. He has to learn to do that for himself, or avoid it all together. He came home drunk last night…it was the first night he has gone out with friends in several weeks and the first time he has been drunk in even longer….I wanted to trust him, to believe that he would make the right choice….. I was disappointed, to say the least.
While living with his father the past year and a half, he had a really rough time. He and his dad had several small altercations, which eventually led to a major altercation involving the police and ultimately led to him coming back to live with me. That night, they were both drunk and things got very out of hand, this is when my son realized that he needed to get out of there and he called me at 2am, very upset. When I picked him up at the airport a few days later, he had a black eye and several bruises all over his body….inflicted by his father.
Since coming back home, he has been doing much better. He is focusing on his music again, he has been helping around the house and has, over all, been very pleasant. But, he still plays on that slippery ledge sometimes, when he is out with friends or when alcohol is around…it seems he just can’t help himself. I’m not talking about just having a couple of drinks…I recognize the difference between enjoying a drink, and having a potential problem. I lived with an addict for 23 years…and unless he puts a stop to it now, I see him heading down that same path. I don’t know how to help him. I guess I really can’t. It’s something that he is going to have to figure out for himself and decide if it’s really worth it. He does have goals…go to college, join the Navy, record music, travel, go into engineering, buy a car. Hopefully, by focusing on those things he will decide that addiction has no place in his life and that if he chooses that path he will have no future. He’s such an amazing kid, smart, talented, handsome, a huge heart! He’s never been in any major trouble, just dumb things typical of young men his age…. I can only hope that he will not choose a path of self destruction and life long misery, that he will learn from his father’s mistakes, as well as his own…and choose something better for himself.
In the meantime, all I can do is love him, support him, and try my best to keep him safe from himself, until he decides that he is worth more than that.
We walked hand and hand through the Fields of Friendship….then wandered into the Land of Lovers….
Way past the Point of No Return…
Oh how I wish we could go back to those carefree fields, full of laughter and fun, silliness and sunshine, hopes and dreams, secrets and smiles……
But, we wandered too far and we lost our way…. lost each other….and now we can never go back.
I will always remember those days….and I will always miss you, my friend.
I found out today that there is a possibility that we will be getting the keys to our new house before June 1st! Now, that is motivation to get things done! Not to mention that I am feeling much better today, less lazy and more accomplished.
I wish I had something inspiring or witty to write about, not that I have ever really been all that inspiring or witty…but, in the weeks to come maybe I will have something at least somewhat interesting to share…hopefully.
Oh! I did join a gym this past weekend! No…… Just writing that even bores me!
Oh well…..maybe after the move 🙂
In the meantime…..here is a photo of the house!
Notice there is no grass…yeah… at first I didn’t like this. But, now that I have gone back over a few times and I’ve seen the landscaping in full bloom, I actually really like it. Besides, all the plants are drought tolerant and native to this area… which means we will use less water, spend less money…. and we won’t have to spend all our weekends doing yard work…. sounds perfect to me!
I’m feeling extremely lazy today. I got up and made it to class on time, got all my work done and actually had a pretty good day. But, now that I’m home, I can’t seem to find the motivation or energy to do anything and I have a lot that I could/should be doing. I am moving into a new house in less than 10 days and I really need to pack. I also need to finish the laundry, bathe the dog, do some grocery shopping, clean the toilets, etc.. etc… but, all I want to do right now is sit here….and type, obviously. Hopefully, the motivation will come over me soon. Maybe a nap will help….or maybe I need a good stiff one……..drink, that is. 😉
To come along with me on this new adventure!
There are so many new things happening in my life and I want to share them all with you! From buying a new home, to planning a wedding…to graduating from college, to getting married…….and beyond!
Please say yes! I look forward to seeing you soon!
“Sometimes you have to forget what’s gone, appreciate what still remains, and look forward to what’s coming next.”
“No, this is not the beginning of a new chapter in my life; this is the beginning of a new book! That first book is already closed, ended, and tossed into the seas; this new book is newly opened, and has just begun! Look, it’s the first page! And it’s a beautiful one!”