I’m not sure what is going on with me lately.  I should be super happy.  I have moved into a beautiful house, I’m planning to marry a really wonderful man, I’m almost finished with school, my son is doing very well.  Yet, I just feel this emptiness.  Like I am going through the motions, but, still disconnected from everything.  It’s not the first time I have felt this way….and it makes me wonder…..was my first marriage as bad as I think it was?  Or was it just me being dissatisfied?    I’m tired of trying to convince myself and everyone else that everything is so wonderful….even though it should be, I have everything a girl could want….. so why isn’t it?   I just don’t seem to be able to quite achieve that contentment that I seek so desperately.  I have had moments of it….but, I want a lifetime of it. I don’t expect perfect, I don’t expect every day to be a happy one, but, is it unreasonable to expect a little peace and lasting joy.   I know that nothing external will ever lead to it, not a house, not money, and not another person…. I know it has to come from within.  I just wish I could find it…. and hold onto it for more than a moment.


2 thoughts on “Perplexed

  1. I’ve been there and sometimes it is just how deal with lots of change. Maybe things need to settle before that contentment and joy seeps back in. Kind of like after a bucket of water gets jostled, it takes time for the water to be placid again.

    • I love that analogy! I hadn’t really thought about it in that way. But, you’re right, I have been dealing with a LOT of change and high levels of stress since 2006!! Just one thing after another. Things are definitely calmer now and I know I am in a great place in my much better than ever before, anyway….but, it’s almost like my mind will not let me completely enjoy it … like I am just waiting for something to happen. I hope eventually I will be able to just live completely in the moment. That would be nice.

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