Perplexed

I’m not sure what is going on with me lately.  I should be super happy.  I have moved into a beautiful house, I’m planning to marry a really wonderful man, I’m almost finished with school, my son is doing very well.  Yet, I just feel this emptiness.  Like I am going through the motions, but, still disconnected from everything.  It’s not the first time I have felt this way….and it makes me wonder…..was my first marriage as bad as I think it was?  Or was it just me being dissatisfied?    I’m tired of trying to convince myself and everyone else that everything is so wonderful….even though it should be, I have everything a girl could want….. so why isn’t it?   I just don’t seem to be able to quite achieve that contentment that I seek so desperately.  I have had moments of it….but, I want a lifetime of it. I don’t expect perfect, I don’t expect every day to be a happy one, but, is it unreasonable to expect a little peace and lasting joy.   I know that nothing external will ever lead to it, not a house, not money, and not another person…. I know it has to come from within.  I just wish I could find it…. and hold onto it for more than a moment.